The BALM Approach to Family Recovery
Guest Author: Lisa McDonald, PCC
Certified BALM Recovery/Family Recovery Life Coach
Many families impacted by Substance Use Disorder (SUD) report being overwhelmed, confused, angry and desperate. They are at their wits end and often feel hopeless and powerless. For many years, the help available to support families dealing with a loved one with SUD have focused primarily on helping the family member learn to care for themselves. This is key, but there is more, the family does have a part to play in their loved one’s journey. The Be A Loving Mirror (BALM) approach to family recovery was developed by a long-time member of Al-anon named Beverly Buncher. She was in search of a way to empower families to not only get healthy themselves, but also to teach them how to be an asset to their addicted loved one’s recovery. We know that the individual in early recovery is creating new neural pathways. The BALM is a tool to help the family do the same.
The dual process of the BALM is what really sets it apart. The BALM helps family members get their lives back by supporting and empowering them to explore mindfulness, self-care, and curiosity. Simultaneously, families are educated on SUD and its impact on both the family and the individual. As the transformation within the family member takes place, they inevitably become an asset to their loved one’s recovery. The BALM takes it to another level, families learn a variety of specific tools and strategies to help their loved one. With the guidance of professional BALM coaches, they learn to deliver clear and concise mini-interventions for their loved one, called BALM conversations.
Love Without Enabling
As a young person in early recovery, I asked an “old-timer” how I could know if I had hit bottom. He said, “How do you get to the bottom of a ditch?”. My response was simple “fall”. What he said next shaped my recovery, he said “You put the shovel down and stop digging.”
Often “tough love” is espoused as a way of helping the using loved one to “hit rock bottom”. Families are told that an individual with SUD will only stop using when they have hit this enigmatic bottom. Today, the idea of allowing a using person to “hit rock bottom” might mean their life. The BALM family recovery program offers another option, love without enabling.
When a family member works to Be A Loving Mirror, they focus on themselves instead of focusing on helping their loved one. Families learn to notice what is happening in and around them and accept the facts of a given situation without judgment allowing them to see past the SUD to the person they love. The fear, anger, resentment, and desperation begin to fade away and are gradually replaced with peace, acceptance, faith, and calm. The BALM helps families move from chaos to clarity and reactive to responsive through education, transformation, and support.
It is true that a person with SUD must choose recovery, and that their family cannot force them to stop using, however, it is also true that families have a role to play. We know that SUD grows and thrives in isolation, it follows then that it would wither in an environment steeped in healthy connection. The BALM teaches families to “raise the bottom” for their loved ones by setting healthy, loving boundaries, and holding up a mirror exposing the use disorder and its accompanying behaviors, hence the name “Be A Loving Mirror”
Over the years, many families have engaged with The BALM proving that healing is possible, not just for the loved one but for the entire family. They have truly become their loved one’s best chance at a life of recovery.
About the Author
Lisa McDonald boasts over 20 years of personal recovery experience and extensive life coach training, specializing in individual and family recovery. She is currently a Certified BALM Recovery Life Coach, ICF Certified Professional Coach, and faculty at the BALM Training Institute. As a faculty member at The BALM Training Institute, Lisa has helped develop new and innovative programs and offerings to support families and individuals seeking recovery. She is deeply committed to her recovery and sees her work as key to her growth. Recovery is her life’s work!
The Recovery Collective has worked with many clients while their family members have taken a proactive BALM approach to their recovery. Combining both forms of treatment has led to a wonderful foundation, connection, and healthy change in the family system.